I wrote this diary entry a long time ago and it’s something I just want to post and share with my fellow bloggers. Hopefully someone can relate or someone know what this means.
Tell Me Where My Place Is In This World
COPYRIGHT: 55ckc
I’m expected to be a perfect idol of which tears me between the heavens and flames of hell with fire. Through the winds I hear the soft an tender voices where its filled with compassion, care, love and conviction, whispering to me, “your above the mountain tops, and steer the motions of the seas and every living human I encounter”.
During the days I reflect on that very voice but, somewhere in the path of my disturbed head this power of pain and anger crosses through an combines with the heavens of good. Then the veins start appearing on through my head like a shade of redness comes from behind. I do not understand what I am or where I stand within my own mind and soul. The feeling inside this mind is far long stretched too thin to even rebuild or bring together, it brings the darker days to my eyes and seen through reality or what I perceive it to be.
I try to block with every good force of strength but, in the end the saints are in control. If I could see through the eyes of those among me who admire, adore, appreciate, thankful of my passions I would kill to swim through that amazing desire of greatness through their eyes. When all good deeds I do, it withdraws the darkness an brings the light of day to give me a reason to live and be free. There’s always that convincing of where if you could be okay then, the life handed to you would be okay but unfortunately, in my case its gambling an wherever the dice rolls I follow.
The evil days are the ones I cherish an hate with all my might, I remember the days of those nice sharp edge so soft silver shiny razor blade that come across my skin releasing the anger within me out, I loved it as if I was a plastic surgeon making myself pretty where I saw nothing ugliness an invisible. It became my companion within time turning into an addiction that kept on the edge consumed by the demons running in an out of my body and head. I no longer saw reality but a fantasy world of razor blades fell from the dark sky. In the same way my voice is silenced but, yet still screaming till my vocal cords would break for help.
But, even few voices respond to my crisis an help, instead I turn away an throw dirt in the faces that try to comfort me I refuse to accept or acknowledge the gift of a smoother pathway where they “guarantee a cease of pain and suffering” they know nothing of me nor can they build me back up an repair every broken piece within me. I take on this battle myself, still killing me slowly as if I’m not already dead to the world. I have this affair with myself, I’m happy with the fresh of breath air that I can feel that spreads all over the fallen ones that have been treated with no respect, no hope, meaning in this society, unloved but yet find it in the ways that’s just a nightmare to bare, I “charlotte” give all these unfixed feelings a different taste or side that has you living on a cloud with there’s nothing but, opportunity, prosperity, honesty of love and greatness of life itself.
How overwhelming for such a bad person offer such motivation when inside I still battle with I myself, with my own problems? I love the world by the grace of god an for every human on this planet I sacrifice me for the greater good for those who have lost their path of life. No this is no beautiful, sweet, heartwarming girl is no such of the thing why? Must I be seen like this? It is that what weighs an destroys of what little of me exists, I want to go back to the days where the demons danced in my head filling it with inappropriate fantasies taking the lives of others bringing them down to my own personal hell.
I hate that you tell me what good I can offer to the unfortunate but, yet tell me I’m better off staying in the dark how dare you twist your words with my head an play these little games with me if I could do such evil I would but it’s not up to me to decide that fate of you so know, I leave it to the man upstairs for I am not the one to make such a horrific decision. I believe that the badness of what happens is a reason why I born into this world.
But, never was I giving the say what I want. The understanding of humans going through such trials that are unspeakable to describe is something I wish was me. My time of generation I am not a part of that such time rather I am the generation of my parents but still I am 17 years old. I do not understand the childish ways of my generation I cannot reason or analyze the crazy mess they do. Why must I stick out as a sour apple? That puzzles me a lot. In my thinking I ask myself, “If I were no longer among this place would it matter much?” of course! but the good deeds that are given from my heart are the very deeds that give me such pain and heartache.
Love is a compassionate heart-filled experience that most find. I of course “thought” I found love that would sustain forever an ever more. It was a little girls imagination connecting eye to eye to that handsome man and smiling as if you grew wings of angel you try not to look or even notice that your crushing. But, can’t just help that your eyes are locked in no matter how hard you try an convince yourself “it’s just puppy love” the more the love goes deeper within you both now holding your hearts together an no longer are two strangers walking down the obstacles of life alone but together. Having to fall in love is the most courageous feeling in the world, walking hand in hand is the strongest bond that you could only share with the one you love truly an honestly.
This life is full of tragedies an hurtful tribulations but how much longer will this sinful crimes go on? Forever and ever. If you’re brave enough and strong enough to withstand those nasty wars then you are a leader in your own way an must know others will follow behind. Do not be foolish to let another fool mess with your head an consume with such junk but it is up to you to decide will you let a fool do such things or will you fight? So few leaders but plenty of followers. How sad is that? Every human is entitled to lead their own way an live in whichever way possible.
But, not at the cost of destroying it. You see I’m seen as a leader through others who look up to me but like I said I’m no leader in this land but, rather a lost soul still trying to see what lies in wait for me yet to come. Maybe one day when days of evil are gone things will be different but until then who knows it’s a choice yes! But no choice where you allow it take the complete control over you and life.
Do you ever consider what it has cost you to change your ways from a negative state to a positive one? I have and it was like a stimulating of fear driving myself insane. They say anyone who “wants” to change their ways do become afraid and nervous is a natural thing. Why not for me? My fear is just like standing on the edge of the mountain trembling continuously through your body second guessing yourself “should I jump?” the tears coming down your soften cheeks dripping down over your lips.
Also, knowing if I do jump then I am leaving my comfort zone and no longer can I do the things I once did. It’s like if I jump then I know somewhere deep down inside of me that it is for better goodness of me and if I don’t jump then I will die painfully saying to myself “ I had the key to the door but, never opened it”.
If we allow ourselves to die by our own selfish ways then we have failed. But, if we decide to jump off this cliff in great spirits were leaving everything that we know behind and will have nothing ourselves into the not knowing of what this other side has to give. Scared? Yes, it’s a tragic dream in a good way breaking away from. ‘
mytruth 